So, something I neglected to mention at the beginning of this journey is that I have a slight problem with procrastination- or as I’ve heard it said, fear in five syllables. Part of this project was to get me to reflect daily on the process of ‘doing femme’ and in doing so this was supposed to help me break the cycle of last minute, out-come oriented learning. This hasn’t exactly been happening. I’ve chalked it up to the fact that I’m just scared. I’m scared that my writing sucks, that I won’t be able to finish the project and that it is all just bull-shit anyway. I know these things aren’t true, I do know this, but that tricky bugger named anxiety and his friend self-doubt, stop me from moving from thoughts scribbled in a note-book and airing my self, my feelings, and my beliefs to the world (well…maybe not the world but you know what I mean...).
Well you know what- fuck it! I’m done judging myself. I’m done fighting with myself and the negative self talk that goes on in my head telling me I’m not good enough, smart enough, witty enough, whatever enough. It is what it is and I am what I am and this blog is going to be whatever the hell it is going to be. So deal with it.
These are the same voices that used to tell me that I wasn’t gay enough if I was dating another femme or if I wore a hot dress to a crappy gay bar. The same self-doubt that had me dating girls I didn’t even really like or find attractive just so I could say, ‘See, I have a girlfriend, now you can’t judge me’. The same fucking bull-shit that makes me think I’ll never fit in anywhere because I’m always in flux and so is my concept of identity and that’s just not ok for everyone else because its not all nice and comfortable and neatly packaged.
So, like I said fuck it! This is my story, my journey, and my experience. I don’t attempt to speak for anyone else when I talk about femme or identity politics or gender or sexuality. I am through trying to fit my ideas into other people’s norms or theories. I’m doing this to learn and to learn to learn, and to claim my identity and figure out how my intersecting identities play out in my reality.
But the truth is that my search for self, and self-awareness, and self-acceptance, and self-love are at the core of this project and I have been so far away from these things for so long that I’m afraid of what I’ll find. I'm afraid that I'll be judged and criticized and laughed at and I'm afraid that I'll never measure up to my own expectations of myself.
Nonetheless, I am going to feel the fear and do it anyway.
In order to keep moving forward and not dig myself deeper into the black hole of days and days of piled up photos and notes, I will be creating a compilation of days five though nine. I am also going to give myself a break, be gentle with myself, and get back to what I set out to do here—take a month to give myself permission to play and explore femme and document this no matter where I’m at or how I’m feeling, because it is all part of the process.
Actiongril's living to do the name justice - action! I think what you're doing is brave and difficult. it's pretty hard to be critical and analyze gender identities and not feel doubtful and exposed when the topic is YOUR gender identity. i hope you can keep your mind's eyes from being too harsh.
ReplyDeletei think the idea of not being gay enough is strange. i sometimes feel that way too, but i'm pretty sure i'm the only one that really thinks of myself that way. i've never thought someone wasn't gay enough (ok, i think most straight people aren't gay enough). but usually i think everyone is gay. i've never been at a gay bar and seen someone and thought 'that dress is so not gay.'
why do you get the feeling you're being judged that way? do you ever think people aren't gay enough?
thanks so much for taking the time to comment- i'm trying my best to keep up with responding so thanks for your patience as well.
ReplyDeleteit is so comforting to hear that someone else understands the difficulties that go along with the big crazy analytical world of gender identity and how exhausting and sometimes imobilizing it can sometimes be to look at.
i have been thinking about your thoughts around 'not being gay enough' and i agree that a big part of my frustration around this comes from my own insecurities about not being recognized/hit on/assumed gay by women i meet and assuming that this has to do with what i'm wearing.
to be honest though, i do get appraoched/assumed gay far more often when i'm in my 'lesbian uniform' (currently consisting of jeans, boots, a hoodie and most likely something flannel) and I have struggled so many times in front of the mirror battling identities in my brain and eventually choosing the more masculinized look knowing that i'd get the validation and attention i want in the queer community instead of risking 'passing as straight' which for me is the ultimate in invisibility.
is it so crazy to want to be recognized as queer? is it just my ego that wants that attention, that feeling of being different? why is passing as straight so emotionally charged for me? is that my
own heterophobia?
i don't know. i think a lot of this has to do with the fact that i was so often taunted in my early coming out days for not 'really being gay' because when i came out i came OUT...with vigor and in a party dress and red lipstick. i was so excited to have figured it out, i was overjoyed, i was ecstatic! i didn't experience any sort of struggle at first nor was i ever really 'in the closet'. i think this was threatening to some, perhaps those who had struggeled with their sexuality resented my relatively easy coming out process or at least they acted like they did. I remember being at a gay bar and someone saying to my also femme girlfriend and i, "well, i believe that you could be gay [speaking of her] but you're definately not". i was totally crushed. here i was, 19 years old and totally thrilled that i had an amazing girlfriend and that i finally understood so many things about myself and my sexuality and in one sentence i felt like everything i had claimed and identified with had be taken from me and squashed. i had expected to be welcomed with open arms into the gay community, given my membership card and toaster and instantly become part of this 'open-minded' community. not so much.
this experience and others like it made accepting femme as an identity increasingly difficult for me and as a result i find myself sometimes doing the same thing to others as was done to me. i've caught myself more than once critisizing the gaggle of bachlorette party girls in the village as straight girls or the pretty girl in the party dress with her four gay boyfriends as a fag hag- but really, i was that girl. i was one of the few dykes in a theatre school full of gay men and often surrounded by gay boys at queer events or bars.
maybe you're right. maybe i feel judged because i was judged and now i'm the one doing the judging as retaliation. i'm going to start being a little more consious of the way i catagorize and alienate people as related to gender/sexual identity. lets break that cycle of judgement shall we!
thanks again for your comment and inspiration.
It's so crazy how we carry certain comments around with us. Communication is so tricky, once words have left a mouth, the sayer has little control over how they are received. I think the same can be said for how someone presents, the clothes they wear, the things they tie to themselves to build an identity or just an impression. The wearer can't control how they will be interpreted, understood, or judged.
ReplyDeleteI kind of want to say 'Meanie' to your judger. I wonder what compelled them to put you on the outs, my bets on jelousy, I bet your dress was too too fabulous.
i think wanting to be recognized for who you are is far from crazy, it's human! i also think it's not that easy for anyone. this posting makes me want to be nicer. thank YOU!