Day Eleven

 








                                                                                             
Today's Mood:
crampy yet energized, buzzing off yoga, coffee, and chocolate glazed donuts 
 
Today's femme:
“Bike-riding at midnight in the cold” femme

What I happen to be wearing:
•    Black stretchy jeans that ended up in my pile of laundry at my moms. My guess is she’s over them and gave them to me
•    White super low v-neck t-shirt also belonging to an ex (it’s weird that that keeps coming up)
•    My favourite hoodie
•    My sister’s pleather jacket that she left in my dad’s car- who I just happened to be with on the weekend (win!)
•    Soft and warm knitted hat I bought in Camden Market in London when I was there in February
•    Best boots ever- that I’ve decided femme-up any look
•    Zero make-up- because I didn’t feel like it today (in a conversation with my friend Winnie about whether or not I could pass as ‘futch’- some weirdo combination of femme and butch- she told me that even without makeup my eyelashes scream femme no matter what I’m wearing…in conclusion, no, I do not qualify as ‘futch’)

How I feel in this:
Like I’m drawing from all over the gendered clothing spectrum. I feel a lot like myself in this, which is a mix of clothing that makes me feel pretty and like a tough bitch (thank the boots for that!). I miss red lipstick though; perhaps tomorrow will be a red lipstick day.


Some femme-ish, queer-ish things I did today:
•    Went to yoga at the West End YMCA, which, if you’ve ever been there you will know is ultra-lesbionic plus I feel pretty femme in my all-white yoga attire
•    Ate organic yogurt ? (ok, now I’m reaching…)
•    Hung out with the best queer friends a girl could ask for
•    Wore pretty much the same outfit as my friend Julia

Some queer-ish, femme-ish discoveries I made today:
•    It is really important for me to be around my friends and people who support me and will listen to me rant about this project. My identity can’t exist solely in my own head and on (virtual) paper. I need to talk and discuss and bounce ideas off people. In short, after spending my days alone in my head, aside from the occasional conversation with the baby and dogs I watch, I NEED human interaction. I’m hoping my up-coming Windsor adventure will help fulfill this need.

Another part of my identity/self that I’ve been neglecting is my spiritual self, which I connect to through Kundalini Yoga. When I’m not in touch with my higher self/conscious I’m in no place to play with my other identities. Yoga helps me to come down out of my spinning head and ego and negativity and lets me channel my energy into positive outlets, like this project! So instead of feeling overwhelmed and stressed, today I have certain lightness about me and joy about this project being exactly what it is supposed to be.

Thoughts from a Femme:
A conversation about judgment with "Anonymous"

(reposted from the comments section of the November 9th entry)

Anonymous said...

Actiongril's living to do the name justice - action! I think what you're doing is brave and difficult. it's pretty hard to be critical and analyze gender identities and not feel doubtful and exposed when the topic is YOUR gender identity. i hope you can keep your mind's eyes from being too harsh. i think the idea of not being gay enough is strange. i sometimes feel that way too, but i'm pretty sure i'm the only one that really thinks of myself that way. i've never thought someone wasn't gay enough (ok, i think most straight people aren't gay enough). but usually i think everyone is gay. i've never been at a gay bar and seen someone and thought 'that dress is so not gay.' why do you get the feeling you're being judged that way? do you ever think people aren't gay enough?

November 10, 2009 7:51 PM

Samantha- Actiongirl! and Femme Extrordinaire said...

thanks so much for taking the time to comment- i'm trying my best to keep up with responding so thanks for your patience as well. it is so comforting to hear that someone else understands the difficulties that go along with the big crazy analytical world of gender identity and how exhausting and sometimes imobilizing it can sometimes be to look at. i have been thinking about your thoughts around 'not being gay enough' and i agree that a big part of my frustration around this comes from my own insecurities about not being recognized/hit on/assumed gay by women i meet and assuming that this has to do with what i'm wearing. to be honest though, i do get appraoched/assumed gay far more often when i'm in my 'lesbian uniform' (currently consisting of jeans, boots, a hoodie and most likely something flannel) and I have struggled so many times in front of the mirror battling identities in my brain and eventually choosing the more masculinized look knowing that i'd get the validation and attention i want in the queer community instead of risking 'passing as straight' which for me is the ultimate in invisibility. is it so crazy to want to be recognized as queer? is it just my ego that wants that attention, that feeling of being different? why is passing as straight so emotionally charged for me? is that my own heterophobia? i don't know. i think a lot of this has to do with the fact that i was so often taunted in my early coming out days for not 'really being gay' because when i came out i came OUT...with vigor and in a party dress and red lipstick. i was so excited to have figured it out, i was overjoyed, i was ecstatic! i didn't experience any sort of struggle at first nor was i ever really 'in the closet'. i think this was threatening to some, perhaps those who had struggeled with their sexuality resented my relatively easy coming out process or at least they acted like they did. I remember being at a gay bar and someone saying to my also femme girlfriend and i, "well, i believe that you could be gay [speaking of her] but you're definately not". i was totally crushed. here i was, 19 years old and totally thrilled that i had an amazing girlfriend and that i finally understood so many things about myself and my sexuality and in one sentence i felt like everything i had claimed and identified with had be taken from me and squashed. i had expected to be welcomed with open arms into the gay community, given my membership card and toaster and instantly become part of this 'open-minded' community. not so much. this experience and others like it made accepting femme as an identity increasingly difficult for me and as a result i find myself sometimes doing the same thing to others as was done to me. i've caught myself more than once critisizing the gaggle of bachlorette party girls in the village as straight girls or the pretty girl in the party dress with her four gay boyfriends as a fag hag- but really, i was that girl. i was one of the few dykes in a theatre school full of gay men and often surrounded by gay boys at queer events or bars. maybe you're right. maybe i feel judged because i was judged and now i'm the one doing the judging as retaliation. i'm going to start being a little more consious of the way i catagorize and alienate people as related to gender/sexual identity. lets break that cycle of judgement shall we! thanks again for your comment and inspiration.

November 11, 2009 10:22 PM

Anonymous said...

It's so crazy how we carry certain comments around with us. Communication is so tricky, once words have left a mouth, the sayer has little control over how they are received. I think the same can be said for how someone presents, the clothes they wear, the things they tie to themselves to build an identity or just an impression. The wearer can't control how they will be interpreted, understood, or judged. I kind of want to say 'Meanie' to your judger. I wonder what compelled them to put you on the outs, my bets on jelousy, I bet your dress was too too fabulous. i think wanting to be recognized for who you are is far from crazy, it's human! i also think it's not that easy for anyone. this posting makes me want to be nicer. thank YOU!

November 11, 2009 11:31 PM