five to nine to twenty-two

So you may have noticed that I have been slacking on the blog posting as of late--but I did have time to throw together a little somethin' somethin' that attempts to capture the days and days of photos that I have yet to post....in the form of a slide show.

Somehow, in between trips to Windsor, Ontario and the surgery I had on my vocal cords, I managed to continue to take pictures, although that is pretty much the extent of it.

But don't fret, I've decided to go with the flow and let the project continue on into the coming months. Check back soon for an update of the last two (three?) weeks and my on-going journey into the world of queer femme.

Enjoy!



Top Ten Queer-ish, Femm-ish Moments of the Last Few Weeks:

1. Going to the Peaches Concert- enough said

2. Having surgery on my vocal cords (my voice is no longer as raspy/cracky as it once was, a tad higher pitched and therefore a little more femme-ish to me)

3. Taking an adventure to Windsor and femme-ing it up small town style

4. Saying 'fuck' it for the past three days and wearing my supervisiblelesbian outfits

5. Realizing that sometimes I don't want to outwardly perform femme but I can still let my inner femme shine through

6. Re-connecting with Kundalini Yoga and my body

7. Being silent for 4 days straight (due to the surgery) and realizing how much a part of me (and my identity) my voice is- those who have been with me through this can attest to this

8. Painting my nails red over and over again because they will not stop chipping! (if anyone has any good tips for this please, please, let me know)

9. Watching glee and remembering how much I miss being an actor/singer

10. Going to my cousin's voice recital wearing my 'i love my cunt' button (sorry mom!)

Day Twelve

 

















 My mood: artsy, retro, aware, awake

What I’m wearing:
•    Fantastic floral dress I found at value village (I graduated from my undergrad in this dress!)
•    Braided leather belt that I stole from my friends mom years ago- sorry marlene!
•    Black tights, leg warmers and boots (my new uniform apparently)
•    Dangly charm earrings

How I feel in this:
•    Very femme and unique- I got a lot of compliments on the dress today. Very womanly, my curves are very…curvy in this dress. I love wearing this belt at my natural waistline. Also, I must say that dresses are really the easiest outfits to make, throw on some tights and accessories and that’s pretty much out, not a whole lot of matching (or mis-matching) involved.

Some queer-ish, femme-ish questions I have:
•    How is “femme” different than “queer” femme or “genderqueer” femme or even just queer woman or woman? How does being feminist fit into femme identity?
•    Can I exist alone with my identity without playing off the identities of others?
•    Is femme or can femme be an identity constantly in flux or is it fixed? Am I inherently femme? Do I totally perform femme or is there some part of femme that has always existed in me?

Please add your own answers in the comments section or wait for my queer-ish, femme-ish answers to follow in the next post…..

Day Eleven

 








                                                                                             
Today's Mood:
crampy yet energized, buzzing off yoga, coffee, and chocolate glazed donuts 
 
Today's femme:
“Bike-riding at midnight in the cold” femme

What I happen to be wearing:
•    Black stretchy jeans that ended up in my pile of laundry at my moms. My guess is she’s over them and gave them to me
•    White super low v-neck t-shirt also belonging to an ex (it’s weird that that keeps coming up)
•    My favourite hoodie
•    My sister’s pleather jacket that she left in my dad’s car- who I just happened to be with on the weekend (win!)
•    Soft and warm knitted hat I bought in Camden Market in London when I was there in February
•    Best boots ever- that I’ve decided femme-up any look
•    Zero make-up- because I didn’t feel like it today (in a conversation with my friend Winnie about whether or not I could pass as ‘futch’- some weirdo combination of femme and butch- she told me that even without makeup my eyelashes scream femme no matter what I’m wearing…in conclusion, no, I do not qualify as ‘futch’)

How I feel in this:
Like I’m drawing from all over the gendered clothing spectrum. I feel a lot like myself in this, which is a mix of clothing that makes me feel pretty and like a tough bitch (thank the boots for that!). I miss red lipstick though; perhaps tomorrow will be a red lipstick day.


Some femme-ish, queer-ish things I did today:
•    Went to yoga at the West End YMCA, which, if you’ve ever been there you will know is ultra-lesbionic plus I feel pretty femme in my all-white yoga attire
•    Ate organic yogurt ? (ok, now I’m reaching…)
•    Hung out with the best queer friends a girl could ask for
•    Wore pretty much the same outfit as my friend Julia

Some queer-ish, femme-ish discoveries I made today:
•    It is really important for me to be around my friends and people who support me and will listen to me rant about this project. My identity can’t exist solely in my own head and on (virtual) paper. I need to talk and discuss and bounce ideas off people. In short, after spending my days alone in my head, aside from the occasional conversation with the baby and dogs I watch, I NEED human interaction. I’m hoping my up-coming Windsor adventure will help fulfill this need.

Another part of my identity/self that I’ve been neglecting is my spiritual self, which I connect to through Kundalini Yoga. When I’m not in touch with my higher self/conscious I’m in no place to play with my other identities. Yoga helps me to come down out of my spinning head and ego and negativity and lets me channel my energy into positive outlets, like this project! So instead of feeling overwhelmed and stressed, today I have certain lightness about me and joy about this project being exactly what it is supposed to be.

Thoughts from a Femme:
A conversation about judgment with "Anonymous"

(reposted from the comments section of the November 9th entry)

Anonymous said...

Actiongril's living to do the name justice - action! I think what you're doing is brave and difficult. it's pretty hard to be critical and analyze gender identities and not feel doubtful and exposed when the topic is YOUR gender identity. i hope you can keep your mind's eyes from being too harsh. i think the idea of not being gay enough is strange. i sometimes feel that way too, but i'm pretty sure i'm the only one that really thinks of myself that way. i've never thought someone wasn't gay enough (ok, i think most straight people aren't gay enough). but usually i think everyone is gay. i've never been at a gay bar and seen someone and thought 'that dress is so not gay.' why do you get the feeling you're being judged that way? do you ever think people aren't gay enough?

November 10, 2009 7:51 PM

Day Ten

 

Today’s Mood:
Confident but a little in my head and slightly worried/annoyed that I am running out of things to wear/say




Today's Fantastic Femme Fashion:

• Perfect for babysitting skirt
• Cute fake gold bracelet
• Sweet blue and white t-shirt
• My favourite black cardigan
• Perfectly straightened hair- so smooth
• Comfy sneakers
  

How do I feel in this:
So comfortable. So femme. Kind of like a high school student in the eighties about to break into a choreographed dance number in the library. I really love my hair long. This is the first time I’ve had in long in years. It’s part of an effort to create my version of a queer femme hairstyle- a little dyke, a little hot femme, and a lot fantastic!

Some queer-ish, femme-ish things I did today:
Everything- because everything I do is impacted by my identity in some way shape or form. Whatever I do is done by me, Samantha, a whole complex person who is also queer and perhaps a femme, therby making anything I do queer and femme. (don’t worry I’m still keeping this section of the blog)

Femme-ish, queer-ish discoveries of the day:

•  Sometimes I just need to let go of the expectations I set for myself and my vision of what I think the outcome should be/look like and just listen to my inner femme, my wise woman and go with the flow a little more. Trying to force something to be that really isn’t working is not what I’m about right now. I am learning to be ok with the non-linear.

•  There is nothing better than a fresh coat of red nail polish. I used to feel guilty about painting my nails and worry that for sure I’d become invisible as a lesbian because of it- I now know that despite my concerns, there are many a painted-fingernail loving queer out there and I’m starting to think it doesn’t really matter who thinks I’m gay or hot anyway because, honestly, I’m turning myself on!
 

Today I didn’t think much about my femme costume/attire/performance. It has become second nature for me to spend a little extra time in the morning thinking about what I’m going to put on my body to reflect the way I feel and my experience of femme in that moment. I had a counseling appointment this morning, which helped me get through my (pms-induced) flood of emotions that left me feeling so unworthy and lost and unmotivated. I’m feeling much better and on track today and ready to continue on this journey. In the spirit of embracing the non-linear I’ll be posting the “days five through nine” compilation sometime soon amidst my daily reflections so keep on your toes and check back often.

Getting honest.

So, something I neglected to mention at the beginning of this journey is that I have a slight problem with procrastination- or as I’ve heard it said, fear in five syllables. Part of this project was to get me to reflect daily on the process of ‘doing femme’ and in doing so this was supposed to help me break the cycle of last minute, out-come oriented learning. This hasn’t exactly been happening. I’ve chalked it up to the fact that I’m just scared. I’m scared that my writing sucks, that I won’t be able to finish the project and that it is all just bull-shit anyway. I know these things aren’t true, I do know this, but that tricky bugger named anxiety and his friend self-doubt, stop me from moving from thoughts scribbled in a note-book and airing my self, my feelings, and my beliefs to the world (well…maybe not the world but you know what I mean...).

Well you know what- fuck it! I’m done judging myself. I’m done fighting with myself and the negative self talk that goes on in my head telling me I’m not good enough, smart enough, witty enough, whatever enough.  It is what it is and I am what I am and this blog is going to be whatever the hell it is going to be. So deal with it.

These are the same voices that used to tell me that I wasn’t gay enough if I was dating another femme or if I wore a hot dress to a crappy gay bar. The same self-doubt that had me dating girls I didn’t even really like or find attractive just so I could say, ‘See, I have a girlfriend, now you can’t judge me’. The same fucking bull-shit that makes me think I’ll never fit in anywhere because I’m always in flux and so is my concept of identity and that’s just not ok for everyone else because its not all nice and comfortable and neatly packaged.

So, like I said fuck it! This is my story, my journey, and my experience. I don’t attempt to speak for anyone else when I talk about femme or identity politics or gender or sexuality. I am through trying to fit my ideas into other people’s norms or theories. I’m doing this to learn and to learn to learn, and to claim my identity and figure out how my intersecting identities play out in my reality.

But the truth is that my search for self, and self-awareness, and self-acceptance, and self-love are at the core of this project and I have been so far away from these things for so long that I’m afraid of what I’ll find. I'm afraid that I'll be judged and criticized and laughed at and I'm afraid that I'll never measure up to my own expectations of myself.

Nonetheless,  I am going to feel the fear and do it anyway.

In order to keep moving forward and not dig myself deeper into the black hole of days and days of piled up photos and notes, I will be creating a compilation of days five though nine. I am also going to give myself a break, be gentle with myself, and get back to what I set out to do here—take a month to give myself permission to play and explore femme and document this no matter where I’m at or how I’m feeling, because it is all part of the process.

Still here, still queer, just a little distracted

So...

Just incase you thought I had completely abandoned my project, I have not. The last few days have just been a little overwhelming and I have been working on some stuff...but it is not post-able as of yet. The last few days will be posted soon and I'll be back on my regular daily schedule as soon as possible.

Also, thanks to those of you who have posted your thoughts and support in the comments section. Please continue to respond to postings as it helps me stay on the ball and interact with (virtual) community in a way that is absolutely necessary to the project.

I hope others are feeling a little less stressed....

Day Four

My Mood: creative, pretty, dedicated, motivated

My Look: Urban Country Pin-Up

The Outfit:
•    Flower print     shirt-dress
•    Cute navy short shorts
•    Black leggings and leg warmers
•    Black tie-up boots
•    Dangly earrings
•    Black smokey eye make-up
•    Extremely chipped red nail polish



How I feel in this:
Super creative. I put this outfit together this morning and I have to say I am proud of myself. I love this shirt! It makes me feel happy and colourful and pretty. The boots give this girlie look a little toughness as does the black eye make up- which I also love. After my red lipstick rant yesterday I thought I’d try out something different today.



Some queer-ish, femme-ish things I did today:
•    Went to work, as a nanny for a 10 month old, in this outfit
•    Got baby-food and formula all over said outfit
•    Didn’t participate in other people’s drama, stayed true to my values/principles
•    Watched some seriously strange children’s programming- so queer.
•    Cooked until 2:30 in the morning while compulsively watching Arrested Development- Portia DeRossi makes anything femme!

Some queer-ish, femme-ish discoveries I had today:
•    It takes a lot of effort to put together ‘outfits’ every morning as opposed to just throwing on jeans and a t-shirt
•    I like being creative with what I wear and this project has given me an outlet for adding some creativity to my life
•    The best outfits are created when most of my clothes are dirty
•    Being conscious and aware of exploring femme daily has given me excitement and joy and something to think about but I still have a hard time being in the process instead of having a clear cut definition of what femme is/means/consists of for me. I am finding it difficult to just go with what I’m feeling (or not feeling) without thinking about the reactions of others.

Day Four Thoughts:
Femme in the home

Tonight as I got home from work from my part-time nannying job and as I finished creating the joy that is my butternut squash/pumpkin/pear curry soup, I started to think about the fact that I was in full-out traditional, care-giving, cooking, cleaning, woman in the home mode. Not that there is anything wrong with this role, its just not one I thought I would ever take on. Strangely enough, I find a huge amount of satisfaction and comfort in taking care of the sweetest little boy in the universe and spending my Wednesday evening chopping vegetables until I literally cannot feel my fingers (maybe I'm doing it wrong?).

Day Three

My Mood: connected, sensual, tough, hot

My Look: Tough Bitch in Red Lipstick

My Outfit:

• Plain white extra soft and comfortable t-shirt
• My favourite cuffed denim jeans (are there any other kind?) that have been patched one-million times
• Sailboat necklace I acquired in Halifax
• Red converse sneakers
• Sailor themed head scarf
• and of course...red lipstick
  

How do I feel in this:
Kind of like I'm wearing a costume but also comfortable and sassy. I'm a little uncomfortable about my body (my stomach in particular) in this white t-shirt but I've vowed to embrace the way my body looks and feels and I have consciously decided not to 'suck it in'. I also gave myself a hug today and am embracing my feminine curves as part of what it means for me to claim femme.

Some queer-ish, femme-ish, things I did today:

• expressed my feelings without holding back (read on for what that looks like...)
• stared back when the entire bus was looking at me
• got lipstick all over the cheeks of the little baby I nanny (so adorable!)
• loved my body, loved my belly, loved being a woman
  

Some queer-ish, femme-ish discoveries:

• I'm proud of myself for doing this despite my anxiety about other people's opinions
• I feel so much more myself since starting this
• I really love wearing red lipstick everyday 
• I need to carry around  notebook because I am bombarded with thoughts of this project all. day. long. (but i love it!)

Day Three Thoughts:

Red Lipstick


Today I've been thinking a lot about red lipstick, mostly because I've been wearing it for three days now, but also because I think red lipstick is classically connected to femme. Not that femme doesn't exist or can't exist without it or without other visual elements but there is something about red lipstick that defines the essence of femme for me. Back in Rosie's time when lipstick was pretty much the standard for women I don't think it had the same punch as it does today. To wear red lipstick in public is a subversive act for me. It subverts traditional femininity in that it screams, "I am a sexual, sensual, woman. I am red-hot full-bodied passion. I am bold. I am 'too much' for you to handle" and this is written in red on my mouth for the world to see. But good girls don't expose their sexuality and they especially don't enjoy it. Good thing I'm not a good girl. Good thing I'm a femme.

I don't normally enter the world of poetry writing because it scares the shit out of me but I was inspired on the subway today and this is what happened...

Day Two

My Mood: insecure, overwhelmed, tired, pensive


My Look: Lesbian Librarian




My Outfit:

• Black cardi that once belonged to an ex-girlfriends Mom
• Black T-shirt made out of bamboo (strange but true)
• Plaid skirt out of the 'free' bin
• Black tights with black flat ankle boots which later became Zoe's sneakers due to my feet becoming sore
• Super fun hoop earrings with little knitted beads on them that used to belong to my sister
  
• 'Russian Red' lipstick (again)
• Red nail polish (again...but now somewhat chipped)
• 'say no to girl hate' button- seriously, do it

How do I feel in this?
Like I could sit and read Judy Butler all day and actually understand half of what she's saying. Like I can be taken seriously. Like I am keeping a secret.
 
 Some queer-ish, femme-ish things I did today:

• wore bright red lipstick to a doctors appointment at nine in the morning (my doctor literally couldn't find me in the waiting room)
• tried on three different outfits before leaving the house this morning
• was honest and open about my insecurities and put time, effort, and thought into why 
• let myself cry                                                              

Some queer-ish, femme-ish discoveries:

• I love the way red lipstick makes me feel- strong, confident, sexual- despite the fact that it gets on everything
• sneakers go best with skirts, shoes that make me uncomfortable are not part of femme for me 
• its feels good to give myself permission to do things that I might not otherwise do
  
• femme is full of attitude
  

Day Two Thoughts:
Insecurities and queering the process

So after the excitement of yesterday and the beginning of the project it was inevitable that I would come down out of the clouds and head straight towards huge feelings of being overwhelmed and insecure. I say this because this happens to me often. I get all excited that I am going to contribute in some super meaningful way that will change what I and everyone thinks of gender and sexuality and identity and then I start to get scared. Kind of like when I got to graduate school and was convinced that there had been some glitch in the system and I had accidentally been accepted. I was terrified that everyone was about to find out that I wasn't really smart and that I was just fooling everyone into thinking I was and eventually when it came time to create something I wouldn't be able to. I soon began to realize that most grad students think this way, a small comfort that did little to quell my anxiety.

Day One

The Look: 'ZineFest Chic


The Outfit: 

• $2 red and white earrings from the McClung Magazine booth (a feminist magazine based out of Ryerson University: www.mcclungs.ca)
• red lipstick in 'Russian red'
• red red nail polish that I got years ago from my roommate in Montreal
• grey polka dot sweater, stretchy stripe-y skirt, black leggings, comfy velcro sneakers all part of the Zoe Hayes collection
• clangy black and gold bangles
• (not shown) the 'i love my cunt' button I later bought from the chick at Riot Wife (http://riotwife.wordpress.com/) or possibly one of the booths beside her...hm...oh well, check her out anyway
  

 
How I feel in this: 

Kind of like Zoe, a crafty, kistchy femme. I love the way the bracelets jingle on my wrists and the way my nails look while holding a coffee cup. I am soooo comfy and half way through the day I decided that I absolutely NEEDED to be wearing red lipstick and made my way through the crowd of 'zinesters at CanZine to apply it--thank goddess for the sneakers. I feel fun and silly- like I could break into song and dance at any moment. I also feel like I could be an actor on a kids t.v. show or Cyndi Lauper.


The most femme thing I did today was...

talking about femme. all. day. long. to anyone that would listen. 


The most queer thing I did today was...

cried at an ani difranco song. for real.


 Day One Thoughts:

Beginnings 
 
Today I sat in a half-booth with my friend Zoe, eating the most delicious oatmeal pancake,  discussing activism and identity politics. For those who know me this isn't exactly unusual subject matter for me but I've been somewhat disconnected since taking an 'extended break' from the pursuit of my Master's degree in Women and Gender Studies in Halifax. Thank goddess for Zoe because she sure has a way of validating my ideas and making me think, not to mention her superb listening skills. Sometimes I can get a little...lets say...excited about things and this was no exception.  Maybe it was the two double Americanos, maybe it was the fact that I happened to be wearing all of her (femme-ish) clothes (since last nights Halloween costume was semi-inappropriate breakfast attire) or maybe I just needed to finally DO something after all the talking I've been doing about possible thesis options but as I looked down at my red painted finger nails and the bangles on my wrist I suddenly decided that it was time to  give myself permission to just go all out femme...for a month.

It all started when I dressed up for Halloween as Amy Winehouse…

Last night, for Halloween, I channeled my inner femme and dressed up as Amy Winehouse. Today I have a blog and an experiment. What transpired in between you ask? A little bit of red nail polish, some stiletto heels and a whole lot of questions I have about what it means to be a femme, a feminist, and a dyke—and more importantly, what does one wear?

For the next thirty days I am going to attempt to ‘do’ femme. This process will be documented here through snapshots of my day to day ‘femme attire’, musings about my experience and comments from readers (that’s you guys!). I am choosing to focus specifically on femme fashion and style because it’s a fun, tangible and accessible medium from which to discuss identity and because it suitably evokes the constructedness of identity. My hope is that this will be the jumping off point for a broader exploration of queer femme in all its forms.

So how can YOU be a part of this? By adding your comments, suggestions, and love/support of course! If you really want to keep track of me you can become a ‘follower’ (oh, google…) of my blog or if you’re in the Toronto area you can help me create a femme-tastic discussion/reading/action-adventure group (or tell me about yours).

Happy reading!
…stay tuned for day one…