five to nine to twenty-two

So you may have noticed that I have been slacking on the blog posting as of late--but I did have time to throw together a little somethin' somethin' that attempts to capture the days and days of photos that I have yet to post....in the form of a slide show.

Somehow, in between trips to Windsor, Ontario and the surgery I had on my vocal cords, I managed to continue to take pictures, although that is pretty much the extent of it.

But don't fret, I've decided to go with the flow and let the project continue on into the coming months. Check back soon for an update of the last two (three?) weeks and my on-going journey into the world of queer femme.

Enjoy!



Top Ten Queer-ish, Femm-ish Moments of the Last Few Weeks:

1. Going to the Peaches Concert- enough said

2. Having surgery on my vocal cords (my voice is no longer as raspy/cracky as it once was, a tad higher pitched and therefore a little more femme-ish to me)

3. Taking an adventure to Windsor and femme-ing it up small town style

4. Saying 'fuck' it for the past three days and wearing my supervisiblelesbian outfits

5. Realizing that sometimes I don't want to outwardly perform femme but I can still let my inner femme shine through

6. Re-connecting with Kundalini Yoga and my body

7. Being silent for 4 days straight (due to the surgery) and realizing how much a part of me (and my identity) my voice is- those who have been with me through this can attest to this

8. Painting my nails red over and over again because they will not stop chipping! (if anyone has any good tips for this please, please, let me know)

9. Watching glee and remembering how much I miss being an actor/singer

10. Going to my cousin's voice recital wearing my 'i love my cunt' button (sorry mom!)

Day Twelve

 

















 My mood: artsy, retro, aware, awake

What I’m wearing:
•    Fantastic floral dress I found at value village (I graduated from my undergrad in this dress!)
•    Braided leather belt that I stole from my friends mom years ago- sorry marlene!
•    Black tights, leg warmers and boots (my new uniform apparently)
•    Dangly charm earrings

How I feel in this:
•    Very femme and unique- I got a lot of compliments on the dress today. Very womanly, my curves are very…curvy in this dress. I love wearing this belt at my natural waistline. Also, I must say that dresses are really the easiest outfits to make, throw on some tights and accessories and that’s pretty much out, not a whole lot of matching (or mis-matching) involved.

Some queer-ish, femme-ish questions I have:
•    How is “femme” different than “queer” femme or “genderqueer” femme or even just queer woman or woman? How does being feminist fit into femme identity?
•    Can I exist alone with my identity without playing off the identities of others?
•    Is femme or can femme be an identity constantly in flux or is it fixed? Am I inherently femme? Do I totally perform femme or is there some part of femme that has always existed in me?

Please add your own answers in the comments section or wait for my queer-ish, femme-ish answers to follow in the next post…..

Day Eleven

 








                                                                                             
Today's Mood:
crampy yet energized, buzzing off yoga, coffee, and chocolate glazed donuts 
 
Today's femme:
“Bike-riding at midnight in the cold” femme

What I happen to be wearing:
•    Black stretchy jeans that ended up in my pile of laundry at my moms. My guess is she’s over them and gave them to me
•    White super low v-neck t-shirt also belonging to an ex (it’s weird that that keeps coming up)
•    My favourite hoodie
•    My sister’s pleather jacket that she left in my dad’s car- who I just happened to be with on the weekend (win!)
•    Soft and warm knitted hat I bought in Camden Market in London when I was there in February
•    Best boots ever- that I’ve decided femme-up any look
•    Zero make-up- because I didn’t feel like it today (in a conversation with my friend Winnie about whether or not I could pass as ‘futch’- some weirdo combination of femme and butch- she told me that even without makeup my eyelashes scream femme no matter what I’m wearing…in conclusion, no, I do not qualify as ‘futch’)

How I feel in this:
Like I’m drawing from all over the gendered clothing spectrum. I feel a lot like myself in this, which is a mix of clothing that makes me feel pretty and like a tough bitch (thank the boots for that!). I miss red lipstick though; perhaps tomorrow will be a red lipstick day.


Some femme-ish, queer-ish things I did today:
•    Went to yoga at the West End YMCA, which, if you’ve ever been there you will know is ultra-lesbionic plus I feel pretty femme in my all-white yoga attire
•    Ate organic yogurt ? (ok, now I’m reaching…)
•    Hung out with the best queer friends a girl could ask for
•    Wore pretty much the same outfit as my friend Julia

Some queer-ish, femme-ish discoveries I made today:
•    It is really important for me to be around my friends and people who support me and will listen to me rant about this project. My identity can’t exist solely in my own head and on (virtual) paper. I need to talk and discuss and bounce ideas off people. In short, after spending my days alone in my head, aside from the occasional conversation with the baby and dogs I watch, I NEED human interaction. I’m hoping my up-coming Windsor adventure will help fulfill this need.

Another part of my identity/self that I’ve been neglecting is my spiritual self, which I connect to through Kundalini Yoga. When I’m not in touch with my higher self/conscious I’m in no place to play with my other identities. Yoga helps me to come down out of my spinning head and ego and negativity and lets me channel my energy into positive outlets, like this project! So instead of feeling overwhelmed and stressed, today I have certain lightness about me and joy about this project being exactly what it is supposed to be.

Thoughts from a Femme:
A conversation about judgment with "Anonymous"

(reposted from the comments section of the November 9th entry)

Anonymous said...

Actiongril's living to do the name justice - action! I think what you're doing is brave and difficult. it's pretty hard to be critical and analyze gender identities and not feel doubtful and exposed when the topic is YOUR gender identity. i hope you can keep your mind's eyes from being too harsh. i think the idea of not being gay enough is strange. i sometimes feel that way too, but i'm pretty sure i'm the only one that really thinks of myself that way. i've never thought someone wasn't gay enough (ok, i think most straight people aren't gay enough). but usually i think everyone is gay. i've never been at a gay bar and seen someone and thought 'that dress is so not gay.' why do you get the feeling you're being judged that way? do you ever think people aren't gay enough?

November 10, 2009 7:51 PM

Day Ten

 

Today’s Mood:
Confident but a little in my head and slightly worried/annoyed that I am running out of things to wear/say




Today's Fantastic Femme Fashion:

• Perfect for babysitting skirt
• Cute fake gold bracelet
• Sweet blue and white t-shirt
• My favourite black cardigan
• Perfectly straightened hair- so smooth
• Comfy sneakers
  

How do I feel in this:
So comfortable. So femme. Kind of like a high school student in the eighties about to break into a choreographed dance number in the library. I really love my hair long. This is the first time I’ve had in long in years. It’s part of an effort to create my version of a queer femme hairstyle- a little dyke, a little hot femme, and a lot fantastic!

Some queer-ish, femme-ish things I did today:
Everything- because everything I do is impacted by my identity in some way shape or form. Whatever I do is done by me, Samantha, a whole complex person who is also queer and perhaps a femme, therby making anything I do queer and femme. (don’t worry I’m still keeping this section of the blog)

Femme-ish, queer-ish discoveries of the day:

•  Sometimes I just need to let go of the expectations I set for myself and my vision of what I think the outcome should be/look like and just listen to my inner femme, my wise woman and go with the flow a little more. Trying to force something to be that really isn’t working is not what I’m about right now. I am learning to be ok with the non-linear.

•  There is nothing better than a fresh coat of red nail polish. I used to feel guilty about painting my nails and worry that for sure I’d become invisible as a lesbian because of it- I now know that despite my concerns, there are many a painted-fingernail loving queer out there and I’m starting to think it doesn’t really matter who thinks I’m gay or hot anyway because, honestly, I’m turning myself on!
 

Today I didn’t think much about my femme costume/attire/performance. It has become second nature for me to spend a little extra time in the morning thinking about what I’m going to put on my body to reflect the way I feel and my experience of femme in that moment. I had a counseling appointment this morning, which helped me get through my (pms-induced) flood of emotions that left me feeling so unworthy and lost and unmotivated. I’m feeling much better and on track today and ready to continue on this journey. In the spirit of embracing the non-linear I’ll be posting the “days five through nine” compilation sometime soon amidst my daily reflections so keep on your toes and check back often.

Getting honest.

So, something I neglected to mention at the beginning of this journey is that I have a slight problem with procrastination- or as I’ve heard it said, fear in five syllables. Part of this project was to get me to reflect daily on the process of ‘doing femme’ and in doing so this was supposed to help me break the cycle of last minute, out-come oriented learning. This hasn’t exactly been happening. I’ve chalked it up to the fact that I’m just scared. I’m scared that my writing sucks, that I won’t be able to finish the project and that it is all just bull-shit anyway. I know these things aren’t true, I do know this, but that tricky bugger named anxiety and his friend self-doubt, stop me from moving from thoughts scribbled in a note-book and airing my self, my feelings, and my beliefs to the world (well…maybe not the world but you know what I mean...).

Well you know what- fuck it! I’m done judging myself. I’m done fighting with myself and the negative self talk that goes on in my head telling me I’m not good enough, smart enough, witty enough, whatever enough.  It is what it is and I am what I am and this blog is going to be whatever the hell it is going to be. So deal with it.

These are the same voices that used to tell me that I wasn’t gay enough if I was dating another femme or if I wore a hot dress to a crappy gay bar. The same self-doubt that had me dating girls I didn’t even really like or find attractive just so I could say, ‘See, I have a girlfriend, now you can’t judge me’. The same fucking bull-shit that makes me think I’ll never fit in anywhere because I’m always in flux and so is my concept of identity and that’s just not ok for everyone else because its not all nice and comfortable and neatly packaged.

So, like I said fuck it! This is my story, my journey, and my experience. I don’t attempt to speak for anyone else when I talk about femme or identity politics or gender or sexuality. I am through trying to fit my ideas into other people’s norms or theories. I’m doing this to learn and to learn to learn, and to claim my identity and figure out how my intersecting identities play out in my reality.

But the truth is that my search for self, and self-awareness, and self-acceptance, and self-love are at the core of this project and I have been so far away from these things for so long that I’m afraid of what I’ll find. I'm afraid that I'll be judged and criticized and laughed at and I'm afraid that I'll never measure up to my own expectations of myself.

Nonetheless,  I am going to feel the fear and do it anyway.

In order to keep moving forward and not dig myself deeper into the black hole of days and days of piled up photos and notes, I will be creating a compilation of days five though nine. I am also going to give myself a break, be gentle with myself, and get back to what I set out to do here—take a month to give myself permission to play and explore femme and document this no matter where I’m at or how I’m feeling, because it is all part of the process.

Still here, still queer, just a little distracted

So...

Just incase you thought I had completely abandoned my project, I have not. The last few days have just been a little overwhelming and I have been working on some stuff...but it is not post-able as of yet. The last few days will be posted soon and I'll be back on my regular daily schedule as soon as possible.

Also, thanks to those of you who have posted your thoughts and support in the comments section. Please continue to respond to postings as it helps me stay on the ball and interact with (virtual) community in a way that is absolutely necessary to the project.

I hope others are feeling a little less stressed....

Day Four

My Mood: creative, pretty, dedicated, motivated

My Look: Urban Country Pin-Up

The Outfit:
•    Flower print     shirt-dress
•    Cute navy short shorts
•    Black leggings and leg warmers
•    Black tie-up boots
•    Dangly earrings
•    Black smokey eye make-up
•    Extremely chipped red nail polish



How I feel in this:
Super creative. I put this outfit together this morning and I have to say I am proud of myself. I love this shirt! It makes me feel happy and colourful and pretty. The boots give this girlie look a little toughness as does the black eye make up- which I also love. After my red lipstick rant yesterday I thought I’d try out something different today.



Some queer-ish, femme-ish things I did today:
•    Went to work, as a nanny for a 10 month old, in this outfit
•    Got baby-food and formula all over said outfit
•    Didn’t participate in other people’s drama, stayed true to my values/principles
•    Watched some seriously strange children’s programming- so queer.
•    Cooked until 2:30 in the morning while compulsively watching Arrested Development- Portia DeRossi makes anything femme!

Some queer-ish, femme-ish discoveries I had today:
•    It takes a lot of effort to put together ‘outfits’ every morning as opposed to just throwing on jeans and a t-shirt
•    I like being creative with what I wear and this project has given me an outlet for adding some creativity to my life
•    The best outfits are created when most of my clothes are dirty
•    Being conscious and aware of exploring femme daily has given me excitement and joy and something to think about but I still have a hard time being in the process instead of having a clear cut definition of what femme is/means/consists of for me. I am finding it difficult to just go with what I’m feeling (or not feeling) without thinking about the reactions of others.

Day Four Thoughts:
Femme in the home

Tonight as I got home from work from my part-time nannying job and as I finished creating the joy that is my butternut squash/pumpkin/pear curry soup, I started to think about the fact that I was in full-out traditional, care-giving, cooking, cleaning, woman in the home mode. Not that there is anything wrong with this role, its just not one I thought I would ever take on. Strangely enough, I find a huge amount of satisfaction and comfort in taking care of the sweetest little boy in the universe and spending my Wednesday evening chopping vegetables until I literally cannot feel my fingers (maybe I'm doing it wrong?).